The
extended family mainly comprises of the relatives from both sides and for the
African set up it becomes a bit tricky because of clannism. Each family is
unique hence when the couple gets married each already has a preconceived
mindset on the role of the extended family. Problems arise when some family
members reject either the husband or wife and dismiss him or her as not worthy
to be married in their family. This happens a lot when either party goes ahead
and marries the person even after resentment.
It
is well known each in-law always sets criteria of the kind of person their son
or daughter will marry. If the person falls short of the set criteria then it
becomes the link for constant misunderstanding. If the man or woman allows
himself or herself to be manipulated or always answer to the wishes of the
relatives then conflict will be part of their daily menu. The married couple
should not allow themselves to be swayed by the relatives, they should seek advice
but the decision should always be theirs. In fact it is advisable and good
practice for the couple to consult on the advice which has been sought before
reaching a decision.
Another
frontier in which conflict with relatives happens is when one of the couple is
a key financier of the relatives. When the person gets married it seems as if
the spouse has come to take over what has been predominantly their “right”.
Such persons will fight the incoming spouse and make sure the marriage breaks
down or ensure they have control on the person. From another perspective one of
the spouses can resent to the continued support of the relatives. This can
cause a rift in the marriage if not handled properly. The couple needs to be
very honest on the kind of the support they offer and study the implication on
their marriage. In fact they should invite the persons they support and inform
them on the changes that are bound to happen.
Confiding
in relatives especially on marriage secrets and weaknesses of one of the spouse
is a sure way of conflict. Every person has someone in the family with whom one
has been confiding, but you find that this affects the relationship with the
spouse. It breeds mistrust in that the confidant can use the acquired
information maliciously or the spouse can neglect the other hence loneliness
sets in. Most the time the person spends quality time with the confidant and
neglects the spouse. Sometimes one of the spouses does not want to let it go,
and keep going back home. Some relatives abet this and this eventually strains the relationship
between the couple and the relatives. The criteria should be that once married
the only confidant should be the spouse and one should accept to let go of
their relatives’ home and set forth to build theirs. Building a home takes
effort of both of them (Amulenga, 2008).
Another
possible area of potential conflict with relatives is on joint business
ventures. Some relatives knowing the naivety of the couple and financial
strength may co-opt the couple into shady business deals. One couple may resent
and this always creates tension especially when the relatives come to know that
one of the spouses has refused. This creates enmity and since such businesses
are built on trust many a times a relative becomes fraudulent and this causes a
rift in the marriage. The couple should approach joint family business deals
with caution unless they auger the business on the protection of the law in
case of any eventuality.
The
couple needs to be united in their resolve and support each other on the joint
decisions they have made in regards to the relatives. They need to realize that
they are now one and without the other things won’t work out. They need to
minimize the frequent number of relatives in their house and their length of stay,
since this has been known to affect the bonding process of the couple. If the couple
is newly married they need time for themselves. Relatives impact on the couple’s
life either way hence great care and prudence is needed when dealing with them.
The husbands should always defend their wives especially from the mother in law
who always feels that the wife cannot take good care of their son. The wife
should do the same to her husband, as sometimes it the husband who gets the
bashing from the relatives.
The
couple needs to always gather the facts to the problem that is affecting their
marriage. Matters should always be handled when both of them are relaxed and
willingly to talk about the issues reasonably. Relatives don’t necessarily
pronounce doom to the marriage but a source of inspiration and guide the couple
through the steps in the married life. Their help should be welcomed but
boundaries ought to be set by the couple.
